Grudges…

grudge [gruj] n (plural grudg·es): a feeling of resentment or ill will, especially one lasting for a long time
Sigh. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. How can you fix it when you refuse to acknowledge it?  So here goes:
“My name is Niobia and I hold a grudge like a muhfuhker.”

Okay I said it and the majority of me wants to correct it. But then, that small part of me, that part that refuses to take ish like I used to in elementary school, wants to know how you handle those who piss you off.  I’m definitely not a turn the other cheek kinda girl unless I’m looking sideways to see where the person I just slapped landed.  Sigh. Just being 100% real with how I feel.

My Mama always told me to learn to forgive.  She said my grudges were weighing me down and blocking my blessings….BUT again I wonder what do you do if someone betrays you,  insults you, pains you, doesn’t give a flying f*ck about you either. Why forgive them? Why give them a chance to hurt you again? I live, breath, sustain, and maintain by:

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Humph, ya girl AINT having it. Not gone be able to do it. No way. No damn how. 4 Real.

I know why I grip my grudges so tightly like Linus does his little blue blanket, because I am so loyal to people. I am so fair to people.  I am the negotiator in the group.  The counselor. The ear and the shoulder.  The compromiser.   I treat people the way I want to be treated.  I am the kind of friend to people who  everyone wants.  I hold on to other folks’ secrets and fight other people’s battles.  I’m far from perfect but I am good to people.  The flip side of all this goodness? When someone I have been good, kind and loyal to doesn’t return the favor it really PISSES me off and I cut them off like a rotting limb.

So in the mist of writing this blog, I stop and make a run to the bank and I see this person–a relative by marriage–who I haven’t spoken to since my mother’s death. Someone called his name, I turned and I spoke to him. It flowed naturally like I hadn’t cussed this fool the last time I saw him.  Shocked the shit of my myself and probably him too. Usually I just ignore him or pierce him with a look that will not only kill but shrivel and evaporate ANYONE into dust.

So now this blog entry has taken an entirely different turn. I was prepared to defend my grudges and lay out justifiable reasons why some people deserved to be ignored.  I would have laid it out better than any attorney. Trust and believe that.

But now? Now, just like that, everything has changed.

The lesson in this for me?  In the midst of struggling with my issue of holding a grudge I run into this mofo and I speak.  I have to believe that was my mother spirit that eased that greeting out of me. It was her way of solving this dilemma for me. It was her answer, her nickel, her vote on what to do.

Just speak and keep it moving. It’s just that simple.  Don’t welcome them into your inner circle.  Don’t make them privy to your thoughts and feelings. Don’t waste your energy on holding onto the grudge with a death grip.

Just speak and keep it moving.

Sigh.

Okay, okay.  I hear you, Mama. I hear you. It wont be easy, but for you…for you I will try…one grudge at at a time.

Pray for me y’all.

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About Niobia Bryant

Nationally bestselling author. Also writes as Meesha Mink.
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